


Until It Hurts

by Ceres



Category: Nikita (TV 2010)
Genre: F/M, Gen, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-21
Updated: 2015-04-16
Packaged: 2018-03-14 11:12:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3408422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ceres/pseuds/Ceres
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What would happen if on the faithful day in 2001, in Yemen, Hayley Bishop did not die? What would she do if her father didn't know she was alive and she had to be careful in who knows her identity? Who would she become?</p>
<p>Follow Hayley Bishop as she is taken into Division and tries to find a life for herself, while not knowing what the best way is to tell her father she's still alive.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**_March 21, 2001_ **

I still remember when we went there, even though a kid’s not supposed to remember anything before their fifth/sixth year. It’s what people said and I never really knew if they were right in this or not. But, I still remembered when we went to Yemen for my father’s job. I had been so happy to spend time with him and when Mom drove up to him and he got in, I couldn’t help but swing my arms around him, happily yelling, “Daddy!”

“Hey, did I get in the wrong car? Who is this huggy monster and what did you do to Hayley?” My father then asked, before kissing my mother, as he had put me on his lap. He asked my Mom why I wasn’t in my car-seat and apparently I screamed bloody murder – I don’t really remember that part. My mom told my Dad that I was strong-willed like my Dad. We drove up to the base, while I was fast asleep in my father’s arms. When we got to the base, my father got me out of the car and promised he’d be right back, before putting me in the car again.

One moment was all it took after that. One moment, I was sitting in the car, next to my mother, looking at my father, who was going to get something from what he said was a base. To me, it just was a place with a lot of people. Then he got a phone-call, I recognized the black thing as a phone, as I had seen both my parents use it. You could talk to other people on it and they would talk back. When the phone-call ended, he looked around, worried, as if something was wrong and then, in an instant, my whole world changed.

I had the feeling like I was being thrown in the air and dropped back on the concrete. I felt something crushing me and I whimpered, asking for my mother, looking for her. Where was she? Why wasn’t she answering? I was right here… right here! Why didn’t anyone come for me? Frantically, I looked around, moving around, as fast my small body could and then I let out a scream for help. Instead of a scream though, only moans and whimpers came out. Nothing louder than just a soft “help me” escaped my lips. Where was my mother? Where was my father? I tried looking around again, but couldn’t see anything else but smoke and fire, through there wasn’t anything that could burn me too badly. Through there was my father. 

Slowly I tried pulling the debris off, but I wasn’t strong enough, so I closed my eyes and counted in my head as best as I could.  _1…2…_  I was wondering how long it would take before the flames would engulf me.  _3…4…5…_  How long would it take before it stopped hurting? Before it stopped taking a toll on my tired body?  _6…7…8…_  How long would it take before it just stopped?  _9…10…_ Before everything just stopped? How long would it take? It seemed like an eternity, while it was just a couple of minutes…


	2. My Heart Is Colder Now

A pair of blue eyes opened, staring up at a vaulted white ceiling, pulling her back into the present. She sits up, then realizes she’s naked under a paper hospital gown, on a military cot with white sheets. Her feet touch the floor and she looks up.

“Evening.” A male voice says. She gasps softly, almost inaudibly and has to fight her tears, which she manages to do quite well. Where is she? She looked at the white door with no handle and frowned. “It’s Clarke, right?” The man asked her.

“How do you know my name?” Clarke asks, looking at the man, scared, with big eyes, to hide her tears that almost threatened to fall.

“You’re not in prison anymore.” The guy tells her, ignoring her question, as he hands her a file, which she takes, looking at it, curious. Inside are photos of a mausoleum, she feels sick.

“What the hell?” Clarke asks, looking up, even more bewildered.

“Your death was officially ruled a suicide by the prison coroner on November first. This is where your ashes are stored.” The guy continues. “My name is Michael. I work for the government. We’ve decided to give you a second chance.”

Clarke looked back down at the file, thinking of how she already had a second chance and if she was locked in here, it meant that she had probably wasted it. “Why me? What’s so special about me? ‘Cause right now, you seem to do one hell of a job ignoring me and liking to hear yourself talk.”

Michael smiled and looked at her. “You fit an extremely rare profile. Attractive, young…” Clarke cringed at this, as she looked at him, looking suspicious. “You’re a white female with virtually no personal ties or paper trails. Now, those do exist, but they’re hard to come by.”

Clarke blinked and looked at him, before looking at the door again, trying to think over her steps. What could she do to get out of here? She could cause a ruckus and take someone hostage, but for that… No, this guy that she knew all too well, even when he didn’t know her, wasn’t an option.

Michael eventually dropped his arms that he had crossed in front of him, as he nodded for a moment. “I’m sure it’s a lot for you to process, but if you’re going to try something stupid, you’d better take the time of dressing yourself, to talk yourself out of it.” He said calmly, but with a stern look, before pointing at the set of simple clothes arranged for her.

Clarke’s look hardens, as she looks at him, then she gets up and picks up a set of underwear that she quickly puts on, before taking the pants and pulling those on too, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable. “Are you going to stand there while I get dressed? Is that some test of yours, too?”

Michael looks at a top corner of the room, before his eyes head back to her. “I’m supposed to show you around when you’re done, so for now, you’re gonna have to get over yourself.” He says, before he looks and sighs. “But, I’ll wait in the hall.” He eventually says, while he shrugs, then turns around to walk through the door into the hallway.

Clarke huffs and rolls her eyes, as she looks at him, before looking at the clothes and shedding the paper hospital gown. She then quickly gets dressed and follows him to the door. “What is this place anyway?”

“A place where I can already tell you that you shouldn’t ask too many questions, especially those you should know you won’t get an answer to.” Michael says, as he looks at her, then goes in front of her through the hallway. “But this is Division.”

Clarke looks at Michael and sighs, as she crosses her arms over her chest, then looks around, taking in every bit of this place, while thinking over her exit strategy. There has to be a way out. A place where it was dangerous to ask questions, wasn’t a place she wanted to be at. “So, if I’m not supposed to ask questions, what am I supposed to do at a place where you’re not allowed to ask questions?”

After a bit of walking and at a small stair that leads down, Michael stops and turns to face her again. “You look smart enough, I’m sure you already could have figured out that I meant the too noisy questions.” He then points at the training going on. “You could train with the other recruits, until you’ll be evaluated to see if there’s a future for you here.” He says, before looking at her again. “If you have questions… You can ask them, just know that not everyone here like questions, nor do your leaders.”

Clarke got a faraway look in her eyes, as she listened to what he said and wondered if he saw her burn scars, when she was getting dressed, if he knew they were even there. If he wondered how she got them. “I don’t need to ask you what will happen to me if you don’t like me.”

“It won’t be my final decision… I will be supervising your training, but my vote isn’t the only one.” He tells her, seemingly honestly, before he shrugs and watches some of the training recruits again. “But, if you fail at the end, you will be cancelled…”

“You mean killed.” Clarke said, looking at him, before looking at the recruits that were training together. “I’m sure the only reason you’re even interested in me is because I don’t seem to have a family.” She said, before she crossed her arms again, looking at the others.

Michael nods, as he looks back at Clarke. “I won’t deny that it’s a big reason for you being here, but then again, I already admitted that and if you take a good look at your fellow recruits and even your superiors, no one here has a family…”

“Some of our families have just been taken away a little more gruesomely than others.” Clarke said, as she looked at him. “And some just find it easier not to contact anyone. Anyone remotely close to that.” She said, as she looked away.

“I guess it should be easy for you then to know that you are not to even try and contact anyone you might know on the outside. If you get to be an agent, you’re still not the same girl as you were, you should keep that mind.” Michael tells her, with his eyes now locked on her, before nodding to the recruits. “You should get some food in you, before training starts.”

Clarke looked back at him. “There’s no one on the outside for me anymore.” She said, as she inadvertently hinted at him, without making it too obvious. She then smiled. “I haven’t been the same girl as I used to be in a long time.” She then said, before walking to the recruits to have some food.

***

While Clarke walked to the tables, she wondered if he even had a faintest clue she already knew more about him than she should. She had hinted at it enough. She bit her lip and sighed as she got some food for herself – not that she was hungry. He probably didn’t even know that her real name wasn’t Clarke. She doubted anyone knew.

Soon, she saw three people sitting a table, a dirty-blonde haired boy, a dark-skinned girl and a girl with long dark hair. She stopped and looked at them. “Oh look, a new one.” The dark-skinned girl said. Clarke’s eyes shot at her, but she said nothing. “What’s your name, stray?” The girl then sneered.

“Ha –” Clarke started, before she realized it and swallowed. “Clarke. My name is Clarke.”

Frowning, the dark-skinned girl examined her some more. “I’m sure that wasn’t really what you were going to say, but sure.” She said, then nodding next to her. “Take a seat, stray. You’re drawing unnecessary attention to yourself.”

“I’m Thom.” The boy introduced himself, after clearly throwing the dark-skinned girl a warning look as to what she was planning or thinking of. “Don’t let Jaden get under your skin, that’s just her thing.” Thom said then, as he smiled and looked at Clarke.

Clarke cursed inwardly, as Jaden noticed she was going to say something else, before she shot a look at some of the other people. She had to get out of here, she knew she had to. She looked back at Thom and smiled, before she sat down. “I’m not that easily taken aback.” She told him, before looking at the other girl, who hadn’t said a word yet.

The girl looked up and smiled weakly. “I’m Alex.” She said, before taking a bite and looking down again. Clarke frowned, then looked at her food.

“So, Michael already told me what will happen to me if the big guys don’t like me, but what do we do in here? Just fight each other?”

Thom looked up, clearly trying to hide his annoyance when Jaden started looking as she took a bite from her food. “Are you going to start another fight already, like you did with Alex? We all know how that had made you look.”

“Well, at least I’m not trying to sugarcoat it for them to like me.” Jaden sneered with a mocking tone in her voice as she looked at Thom, before shortly looking at Alex and focusing her attention back on Clarke. “Well, ‘Clarke’, it’s not that, it’s actually just the training part where we just fight and shoot each other. No, we’re here for a much more simple goal; to kill for them.”

“I’m sure you would be fun to pair up with.” Clarke said, as she looked at Jaden. “I mean, one moment you’d be fine and the other… bullet in the back. Sounds interesting.” She then looked back at Thom. “What do they do if anyone tries to get out? Do they ‘cancel’ them too?”

Jaden rolled her eyes, before looking back at Clarke with a threatening look in her eyes as a warning, without saying anything to it. “Don’t even think about that. We’re here to get a second chance. Even if there was a way out, why would you want to risk that?” Thom asked, ignoring Jaden as much as possible.

“Maybe because I’m not a killer.” Clarke replied, as she ignored Jaden as much as possible.

Alex looked up at her. “You should be careful what you say or do, Clarke. Someone’s always watching.” She warned her. “Don’t think that they’re not anticipating people getting out, I tried getting out my first day, too. It didn’t go well.”

“I don’t think it’s much use telling her that. She has the same look in her eyes as you, Alex, full of secrets, plans and one hell of thick, stubborn skull that’s just gonna make her do whatever the hell she wants.” Jaden said, as she winked at Alex, with a mocking smirk on her face, before looking back at Clarke. “So, by all means, gives us a good show.”

Clarke smiled at her, then went on eating, falling quiet. She had to plan this pretty carefully. After eating, they were all gathered for training and a plan had started to form in her head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to write this with a friend and a non-member. His alias is Winchester.


	3. Would you Like a Little company?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael finds out who she is after she tried to escape.

Clarke managed to get hurt enough, to be sent to her room, with a pole next to her, keeping an eye on her vitals. She just laid down, with a stubborn look in her eyes, before she looked up at the camera.

***

An older woman, Amanda, was looking at a camera, next to Michael, who was sitting on a chair. “She got spirit, this one.” Amanda said. “Let’s see what it needs to take to break that.”

Michael kept his eyes locked on the camera feed of Clarke as he let Amanda’s words go through his head. “I thought you’d be able to tell that there’s already a lot broken about her.” Michael said. “So, are you really going to try and break the one thing she has left could make her of use to us?” He asked, narrowing his eyes and slowly looking at Amanda.

“She got too much spirit, Michael. There’s no data of her anywhere how she got those burn-scars, though our people are still looking.” Amanda said calmly, as she looked at Michael, with a look that said that she once again knew more than he did.

Michael let a sigh escape his lips, before shaking his head and looking back at her, ignoring the look she is giving him. “All of these recruits have scars, you and I both know that, just like we don’t know what every single one of them got them exactly.” He insisted stubbornly, before pointing at the feed. “If we want her to become something here, like I know for a fact Percy does, we should let her move on, not bring up her past as a means to break her.”

***

Clarke sat up and stood up again, before pulling the IV out of her arm and pulling the pole out of its stand. She then took a few steps and swung it upwards, breaking the camera off its handle. Once she managed to do that, she opened the door and pulled a shard of glass in her hand that she looked at.

***

Amanda looked at the screen, then at Michael to see his face and his reaction.

Michael’s attention was quickly drawn to the camera feed and he dropped his arms to his side, with a shocked, yet also impressed, look on his face when he saw what Clarke did. It was clear that he wasn’t expecting something like this, but the resolve and everything behind it clearly, was impressive.

Amanda looked at the screen, looking at it go dark and walked away to say something in her ear-bud, while keeping an eye out on Michael.

“I’m going to cut her off.” Michael said, with a determined look in his eyes as he started walking away. “And this is the kind of girl that you want to break?” He then yelled over his shoulder to Amanda, frustrated and pissed clearly.

***

A moment later, she saw a girl and held the shard of glass against her neck, ignoring the fact that her hand and arm were bleeding now. “Please, don’t hurt me.” The girl said, realizing that Clarke had nothing left to lose.

“You want to live?” Clarke asked the girl, as she maneuvered her way to one of the doors. “Do exactly as I say.” She said, before rattling the doorknob and saw the girl put her hand into her shirt. “I don’t think so.”

“Key card.” The girl said, shakily. “I just need my key-card.” Clarke nodded and pushed her to the elevator door. She beeps her card and starts sobbing.

“Which level? Who are you people? Answer me.” Clarke said, sounding a little desperately. “Say something!”

Michael walks up to her, while a couple of armed men walk up to her as well, pointing their guns at Clarke. “Calm down, you don’t want to do this.”

Clarke looked at him, then let the girl go, that immediately ran to the other side of the room, while Clarke looked at Michael with a stunned look on her face. “Where the hell am I? Let me out of here!”

“There is no out.” Michael replied.

“There’s always an out.” Clarke said, as she looked at him. Desperate, confused.

Michael, with his eyes locked on Clarke with determination, but also a bit pity that he couldn't stop. “Take a good look around, there is none here.”

Clarke lowered her hand and arm that was still bleeding and looked at the men with their guns. “What are you gonna do to me now?” She asked, still with the glass in her hand, realizing what she might do if push came to shove.

Michael put a step forward, not looking away from Clarke for even a second. “It’s not too late yet, you can still accept the fact that there is no out, but that you have a chance here. Then nothing will happen.”  He said.

Some of the men with guns got a little antsy, as one of them took an obvious firmer grip on the gun, which Michael noticed and made him warn him with a sign of his hands.

“Just give me the glass, we can still work this out.”  Michael said, as he put a step forward again, with his hand held out to her.

Clarke looked down at the glass, then swallowed and looked up at him again. Suddenly, she had the urge to throw her arms around him, like she used to as a kid, which she firmly pushed down. Now wasn’t the time to be sentimental. She held out the glass and dropped it in his hand, before taking an uneasy step back.

As Michael grabbed the glass from Clarke, he gave her a nod and a look that she was making the right choice. He then stuck his arm out to the side to stop the guy next to him, then handed him the glass and gave him a sharp look. “I'll take it from here.”  He told them, before turning to Clarke. “Come on, I’ll take you back to your room.” He told her, as he looked at her, with his hand again outstretched as an offering. “I bet you’d rather treat that yourself, or someone else, than have to go to Medical.”

Clarke looked at the men, then back at Michael and slowly grabbed his hand, allowing him to take her back to her room.

Once they came to her room, Michael let her go inside first, before he followed soon after and mostly closed the door behind him. “I'm not going to tell you what a stupid move that was, but... Are you okay? Because I need to know if you won't try this again, and if you're gonna make it.”

Clarke walked into her room and let herself slide down the wall, not replying to what he said and asked her immediately. “I’m not a killer.” She eventually said, as she pulled up her knees and looked at him briefly. “And that’s what you guys want me to be. I saw death way too close to me, I don’t want to put someone else through what I’ve been through. So no, I’m not okay.” She sighed. “And no, I won’t try it again.” She looked in front of her, slightly disillusioned. And her hand arm stung a lot too.

Michael stayed silent, listening to her every word, but not really having an answer ready and able for her immediately.

Eventually though, he couldn't help but take a place next to her against the wall, letting his eyes go to her arm and hand. “Do you want me to take care of that?” He asked, nodding to the wound. “If there is anything that you want, to make it easier for you?” He asked soon after, because he was suddenly curious if there wasn't a hobby or anything that could help her deal with the situation.

“Yeah.” Clarke said, before getting up and sitting on her bed instead. “It stings.” She then said about her wounds. She looked down at her wounds and smiled slightly ruefully. “Well, one more scar isn’t exactly something to write home about, I got plenty already.” She then looked up. “Give me something? Like what? ‘Cause I used to draw a lot, to help me not think about, you know.” She smiled. “Life.”

Michael nodded, in thought clearly, as he kept his place against the wall, while he gave her a weak smile for a moment. “What if I got you some painting supplies for in your room here? Nothing that could potentially be used as a weapon, or chemical, but that leaves quite a few things.” He suggested.

He then got up, slowly and calmly, gathering some simple stuff to treat her wounds. Clarke followed him with her eyes and nodded. “I’d like that.” She said, before smiling and looking down again. “Maybe this wasn’t so bad after all. “You know, it might be okay in here after all, I mean, we’ve all been through something traumatic, even you.”

Michael took a seat next to Clarke on the bed, before he started treating her wounds with the supplies he had gathered. “We take out bad people here too, help innocent people...” He said, as casually as possible talking over how she started about his traumatic experience. “What makes you think that I had a traumatic experience?”

Clarke looked at him again and bit her lip, before she looked down at how he was treating her hand again. “I just know.” She said, before looking up. “Besides, everyone in Division went through something traumatic it seems, it’s not hard to guess that you must have lost someone, too.” She said, as she wondered how on the nose she could be with hinting.

The silence that followed from Michael, probably clearly showed how much on the mark she was with her 'guess' of how he had also lost someone, but it was also an observation that not many – or even any at all – had made since his time with Division.

He then tightened the bandage that he eventually put around the wound, as he looked her in the eyes, with his eyes narrowed a little again. “No, you're right, it's not hard, but it is unusual for someone to actually realize it, let alone point it out.” He said, clearly keeping his eyes focused on hers, trying to figure out what was going through her head and where she was going with this.

Clarke looked at him, when she heard what he said, then hissed softly, when she felt what he did with the bandage. “Have you gotten your revenge yet?” She asked, now honestly wanting to know, though she wasn’t sure if she wanted the guy dead. She had thought about it often enough though.

Michael couldn't help himself from getting up from the bed again for a moment, letting a soft sigh escape from his lips as he kept his back to her for a few seconds. “That is quite a personal question...” He started, a little suspicious obviously as to where this conversation was going. “But... No, not yet, but I'm going to.”

“I know, I’m sorry.” Clarke said, thinking against telling him right now that she was his daughter. “I just had to know if he was still alive or not. I don’t know, I’m sorry, I’m asking you these questions that you don’t even have to answer.” She said, slightly uncomfortable.

Michael sighed, nodding slightly to Clarke's words and apology. “It's okay, it is good at least to know that you realize that I didn't have to answer, even if... I did.”

“Yes, you did.” Clarke said, as she looked at him, then looked at the door and the broken camera. “I’m sorry I broke the security cam.” She said slowly, as she looked at him and bit her lip.

Michael crossed his arms in front of his chest again, then shrugged as he looked at the camera. “It's okay, we would have removed it soon enough anyway. You're just one of the first to go to that length to get rid of it.” He said, as he looked at her with a smile for a moment.

“I’m not doing a lot to get you to like me, am I?” Clarke asked, with a small smile on her face, as she looked at him. “Even after Alex and Thom warned me. According to Jaden I have the same look in my eyes as Alex does, full of secrets and plans.”

“It would have surprised me more if you did in fact make it easy.” Michael said, as he looked at her and shrugged again. “But this can also get you into trouble quite easily with some of the other people here, people that have other goals than keeping you whole.” He said, not being able to help but think about Amanda as he said that, which he did even more when he heard what Jaden had told her, but not sure what to say to that.

“You talked about this place being a second chance for me, I already had mine when I didn’t die as a kid.” Clarke said, as she looked at him. “When my mom pushed me out of the car, that was my second chance, I just feel like I’ve wasted it.” She shook her head. “You should probably go, before they think you’re pulling favors.”

The memories flooding through his head, crowding his thoughts, and making his heart race, all because of what Clarke said and how that couldn't be a coincidence anymore. He just couldn't believe it, it wasn't possible. So was it trickery? Or was it real? He looked at her, shock on his face and a silence that only made it harder to think about his reaction to this.

“It’s me.” Clarke said. “Clarke’s just a cover for, you know, safety.” She said, as she looked at him. “I know you know now, I’ve been giving you pretty obvious hints.”

Michael kept his eyes on Clarke, still in disbelief, before he shook his head again and bit his lip. “I thought all of it was becoming a bit thick on it, but... Even after working in a place like this for my revenge, with the things they do here... I never thought it was possible and a part of me still can't really accept that this is, you know... Real.”

“It is.” Clarke said, as she looked at him, before looking at the door quickly, then back at him again. “Dad, it’s real. I’m really here.” She said again, before she bit her lip. “Mom pushed me out of the car when she saw your worried look. She knew there was something going on and she pushed me out before I could be blown up too. She saved my life.”

This just felt like some sort of dream, and he didn't yet know fully if it was just a good one, or a bad one in disguise, but either way, there was no doubt that right now she was telling the truth, and it made him completely unsure about what to say or do. "Of course she did..." he said softly eventually, with a little and weak smile as he thought about her mother and how she must have done that, without him even noticing. "No one can know about this, especially because there is only so much that I can do..." He eventually said, with a serious expression as he looked at her.

“I get it.” Clarke said. “Look, I do get it, you can’t show any preferences ‘cause that would just be dangerous for the both of us. I’ll call you Michael when there are people around.” She said, as she looked at him. “Just, please…” She said softly, before hugging him. “I missed you, Dad.”

Needing to feel how real it was when she hugged him, Michael hugged her back, tightly and closed his eyes as he enjoyed this feeling that he thought he would never feel again. He didn't really answer now, except for nodding in approval for her plan how she would call him with other people around. “I missed you too, I just... I didn't think I would ever see you again.” He said softly, holding on tightly still and his voice shivering a little bit.

The fact that he allowed her to hug her and even hugged her back, meant a lot and she closed her eyes, with a sigh of relief. “I’ve been looking for you, Dad.” She said, before she let him go and looked up at him. “But we got to be careful, I already seem to have on me.” She said, as she looked at the door. “I know how to fight, how to defend myself, how to use guns, how to assemble and disassemble them… Everything they’re doing in here, I know already and that might be dangerous.” She said, before she swallowed and looked him in the eye again, as she placed a hand on his arm. “You should go, you’re already in here long enough, I don’t want you to get into trouble.”

Michael didn't know what to say with what Clarke told him, but he let his hand stroke her cheek for a moment as he look in her eyes with disbelief, but a rekindled love that he wasn't about to just let go of again. “I will, go. But I'm not planning on letting you stay here, I need to get you out of here.”

“When I was in Yemen, I didn’t get to go back to the US right away and had to fend for myself a little while. A five-year-old in a place like that… It’s not a safe place, but before anything bad could happen to me, one of your former colleagues Fryer, found me, took me to the base and arranged for me to be sent to an orphanage in the US, when I got there, the orphanage didn’t want me after all and I ended up on the streets for a while. Learned a lot of my skills there.” She smiled. “There’s no way I’ll be able to get out into the elevator without some people asking the wrong questions. Be careful.”

Michael smiled, before he hugged her again and closed his eyes for a few seconds, He'd solve this and he'd keep her safe now that was a promise he made to himself. "I'll find a way, I promise." He then promised in a whisper to her. He then let her go, before he turned around slowly and then left the room.


	4. Mission With The Terminator

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haley gets an assassination mission and sees a bit of humanity inside of Roan.

Part of Haley wondered if it wasn’t too soon that her father found out who she was, but at the same time, it couldn’t have been soon enough. It was just a matter of making sure no one else found out about her. She sighed and closed her eyes, feeling as her mouth had gone dry and concentrated on her breathing. When she opened her eyes, she saw some people stare at her and she raised an eyebrow at them challengingly.   
  
Then a guy, a guard walked over, saying, “you need to come with me, Percy wants to see you. He has a mission for you.”   
  
Haley’s mouth opened in a silent ‘o’, before she followed him to Percy’s office, where she saw Percy at the center, but also Roan, lurking silently in the corner. Her assessment of who was inside the office, she knew, wouldn’t go unnoticed she realized all too well, but she also knew that it was too late to seem indifferent now, so she crossed her arms over her chest defensively.   
  
Percy smiled as he looked at Haley, studying her just like Roan was doing in the shadow almost literally. “Calm down, you look like you're being called to cancellation, which this has nothing to do with, if you listen and manage to pull this off.” Percy told her, as he leaned back on his chair, taking in Haley's reaction to it.   
  
“If I pull what off, sir?” Haley asked, as she looked back at him, wondering what he wanted her to do. She didn’t react to how tense she was or to how this had nothing to do with cancellation. She was sure it had everything to do with cancellation.   
  
She soon found out that she had to kill someone, someone powerful and that made her feel sick to her stomach. As much as she was prepared for it, she wasn’t a killer and them wanting her to subtly do just that, made her nauseous.   
  
As she left the office, she felt a presence and soon found out that Roan had followed her. She stopped and turned around. “Are you going to join me in this mission?” She asked me. “Or are you just going to babysit me, make sure I don’t run off?”   
  
Roan just stood there, when Haley noticed him and asked him if he was going to join her on the mission, or if he was just going to babysit her to make sure she didn't run off. “Does that really matter? Either way, I doubt it will make you any happier with the mission. But it IS your mission.” He eventually said, calmly walking closer to her and looking straight at her.   
  
“I just don’t trust you, you have a reputation, you know and after my stunt I do know that you guys must have considered cancellation.” Haley said, as she looked at him and sighed. She then walked over to where the weapons were being stored where they got the weapons they would need for this and swallowed, before walking to the elevators.   
  
Roan cocked his head to the side, ever so slightly, looking in Haley's eyes quite neutrally. “You make that sound as if we consider cancellation for people with potential, easily.” He noted, raising an eyebrow slightly. He just calmly followed her, watching as she went to the weapons, before walking to the elevator, following her there too. “But it is not hard for one to tell how you haven't let go of your problem with killing someone, even if it is someone that deserves it. Something that could get you killed, in a lot of ways.”   
  
Haley blinked, as she looked at him. “Don’t you?” She asked him straight on. She leaned against the wall of the elevator and looked at him. “Killing should never become easy, Roan.” She said, as she looked at him.   
  
“No, we don't.” Roan said sharply and simply, as he kept his eyes straight on those of Haley because of how straight on she asked that. “You asking that the way you did to begin with, shows how much potential and talent you have for this, you just have to accept and embrace that.” He said, before he showed something a little shy from a smile, for just a second, and shrugged. “We do not deal with people, that do not deserve it one way or another.” He said eventually as strongly as possible, though it was not exactly a really strong answer.   
  
“It just proves that I’m not afraid of death.” Haley said, as she looked at him, before a smile crossed her own lips and she looked at him. “Everyone always does get what they deserve, but it doesn’t always work out the way someone plans. I have the scars to prove that.”   
  
"There's far worse fates than death." Roan said simply, while he kept looking at her, but noticing that her smile did look good as it crossed her own lips. "And you think you are the only one with the scars to prove that?" He countered what she said, stepping closer to where she was leaning against the elevator wall.   
  
“Don’t I know it.” Haley mumbled, still happy that he only knew her as Clarke. She looked up at him when he stepped closer and shrugged. “Mine are both physical and mentally.” She said, before she looked down and pulled her shirt up to show him her stomach where some scars were at from the car accident, when a part of the car had hit her.   
  
“Perhaps it is wise to at least change your attitude, to your superiors.” Roan couldn't help but say drily, but with a look at her that she didn't want to test him, if she didn't want to find out what the consequences would be. “Again, you think you are the only one?” He asked her, more sharply this time and with narrowed eyes, before he looked down at her lifted shirt and her stomach. “Sloppy patch up too, I see.” He said, letting his hand go along the scars and her skin, before looking in her eyes, but at the same time lifting his own shirt for some of his scars, which he had quite a few of. He wasn't sure why he did it, but he still wanted her to take a good look.   
  
“You’re my superior? I just thought you were Percy’s personal assassin.” Haley said, as she looked at him, with a raised eyebrow. And his lapdog, she added in her mind. She rolled her eyes when he talked about it being sloppy patchwork. “I wasn’t in a country with a lot of resources when this happened.” She said, though she felt a shiver run down her spine that was almost pleasant when he touched the scars.   
  
When he lifted his own shirt, Haley looked down interested and touched his scars. “Yours aren’t totally smooth either, you know.” She said, as she looked up at him. She smiled and pulled her hand back, not thinking he wanted to keep touching him.   
  
Roan stepped closer again, so that he was almost against her with his body, looking directly in her eyes. “You should really think some more, before you open your mouth to speak.” He said quietly and with a warning look in his eyes. He only nodded to what she said, slightly, while he looked her in the eyes right at the moment he felt her shiver almost pleasantly when he touched the scars.   
  
“I've never really seen much of a reason to make it all nice and clean.” He remarked drily to what she said about his scars, before he himself felt a quite pleasurable shiver run along his spine and his body when she touched his scars. “You don't have to be all careful now.” He said drily, with a slightly raised eyebrow when she pulled her hand back, but then slowly pulled his shirt back down.   
  
Haley felt her heartbeat quicken when he stepped closer once again and opened her mouth in a silent ‘o’, before closing it again. “We should almost be down.” She said, just to talk about something else instead. “I wasn’t being careful, I just assumed you didn’t want me to touch you.”   
  
Roan kept his eyes locked directly on those of Haley when he saw her mouth open the way it did in a silent 'o', before closing it again and smiling slightly to her because of what she said. “Up you mean?” He asked drily, with a raised eyebrow. “I know how you people nicknamed me, but I can assure you that even I won't say no to a good looking girl touching me.”   
  
“I would know that if this place wasn’t such a bunker!” Haley said, when she heard what he said, almost teasingly. “Yeah, I heard of that nickname too.” She said, as she looked at him. She smiled when she heard how he called her good-looking and then pulled his shirt back up a little, touching his skin, looking down at what she was doing, before glancing up again to see what he was thinking.   
  
Roan just shook his head slightly to what Haley said about this place being such a bunker, but didn't answer it since he didn't see it as much of a reason to complain about. He raised an eyebrow, looking at her at what she thought about the nickname, since she had heard it too. He did smile some more and narrow his eyes subtly challenging her, when she smiled because of calling her good looking, which he meant, before he looked more curious when she suddenly pulled his shirt back up a little, touching his skin and looking down at what she was doing. Exactly when she glanced up again, he had put a step closer to her, wanting to feel her hand more clearly, but also looking more clearly in her eyes what she was thinking.   
  
“I know that you’re Percy’s personal assassin, or hitman or whatever you want to call it and I know that you’re good at what you do, so I don’t know if that nickname is really so unfitting.” Haley said, as she looked at him. She then looked back at his scars, studying them, knowing that he probably didn’t let just anyone touch him and she should better be quiet about mentioning it, because it was one of the few moments she saw him to actually be human and she knew that this moment wouldn’t easily return.   
  
Roan didn't really answer how she called him, but smiled slightly and shrugged because of what she said about the nickname. “I'm just doing my job.” He said, having a look in his eyes that he had plenty of reasons for his loyalty to the man, and why he did all of this like he did, and so well. He looked down again at her hand, how she kept touching him, before he looked back at her and raised an eyebrow curiously. “What are you thinking?” He couldn't help but ask her eventually, of what she was thinking about this, or how it made her feel to touch him, since he definitely didn't just let anyone do this.   
  
“Because you’re loyal to Percy, something I’ll never get. The man has done too much evil to be seen as good.” Haley said, knowing full well that there was a 90% chance that Percy was behind killing her mother and attempting to kill her.   
  
“I’m thinking how letting me touch your scars, proves that there’s still a human being inside that hard exterior of yours.” She eventually said, with a small smile, as she looked up at him and let her hand fall down to her side again.   
  
“I never said there wasn't.” Roan said purposely to there still being a human inside of his hard exterior, before he felt his shirt fall back down as soon as she let her hand fall down to her side again. “But now about you, maybe you should think about you wanting to touch me as you did, what it means of what is hidden deep inside of you.” He eventually said, having stepped closer and saying it in her ear.   
  
“I’m aware of the darkness inside of me if that’s what you’re referring to.” Haley said, as she looked at him. A darkness crossed her eyes, thinking of what she had seen, what had happened to her, but as soon as it had been in her eyes, it was gone again. “We’re almost there, I want to get this over with. I had a training planned in the afternoon.” She said. Yes, she did have one planned, with her father…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If any of you has any ideas for coupling, I'm all ears. I know this chapter is a little weird, but nevertheless, I do like it.


	5. Like They Have Any Right To Criticize

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little Malex chapter on the side :)

Alex looked up from where she was sitting on the mat, flexing her leg muscles when she saw Michael walk over, seemingly confused and a little… scared? She jumped up and walked over to him. “What’s wrong with you?” She asked him, as she raised an eyebrow. “You looking for Clarke? Because she got a mission, she left fifteen minutes ago with Roan.”   
  
As soon as Michael spotted Alex, flexing her leg muscles, he kept looking at it for a moment, but couldn't really ‘enjoy’ it was he felt he should, because of the revelation still reeling in his brain. When she suddenly came up to him, he noticed how he had lost his concentration for a moment. He opened his mouth to answer, but shut it with a sigh when she called her Clarke, feeling how hard it was not to talk to anyone about this. “She what? Why wasn't I told about this?” he suddenly asked when he thought about what Alex told him. “No, I-I'm fine.” He tried lying to her, before he continued walking, trying to avoid telling her something that maybe he shouldn't.   
  
Alex shrugged. “Why do they do anything? Maybe they were testing you, or her, either way, seeing her mission was with Roan I’m assuming it’s a kill mission.” She told him, thinking he’d want to know. Somehow she think he deserved to know… He needed to know. “There’s nothing you can do for her now, you know and I don’t think Nikita will interfere either.”   
  
Michael bit his lip, pretty hard when she took the same conclusion as he did when he heard her say that she was accompanied by Roan. He closed his eyes, shaking his head when she told him that there was nothing he could do, and that Nikita wouldn't interfere. “I can't let her kill someone Alex, I can't.” He eventually said, sighing and slowly looking at her.   
  
“Okay.” Alex said, before biting her lip and walking over to the computer room, where she went to a computer in the back and quickly opened the program. **Need your help. Don’t have much time. Clarke was sent to kill someone with Roan. Don’t have specifics. Help me. Michael seems desperate.** She sent, before looking around and putting the program down, opening another one as a cover.   
  
It stayed quiet a while, before Nikita eventually replied back to Alex. **Will see what I do, but I can can't make any promises. We do not even know what Michael's connection to this Clarke is. Try to stay focused and careful.**   
  
**He seems to care about her. A lot. Maybe she’s family?** Alex sent back, before looking at the door. **You be careful too. I have to go. Someone’s coming.** She sent, before she saw Michael enter. She quickly got rid of the program, got rid of the rest and got up. “You know, I’m sure Clarke will be fine.” She told him, as she walked into the hallway.   
  
As he entered, Michael took a subtle but good look at how Alex seemed to be busy on the computer one moment, and then suddenly seemed done when he came in, but trying to instantly reassure him of Clarke's safety. He smiled slightly, and as much convincing as he could. “Thank you. She is not exactly 'Clarke' for me.” He told and hinted at her, putting his hand on her shoulder as a thank you shortly.   
  
Alex looked at him and then nodded, before she smiled. “It’s good to have friends.” She said, realizing very well what a risk she had made in doing this, in showing Michael he was right in his suspicion about her, but at the same time… Wasn’t it worth it, if she could protect Clarke from doing something she didn’t want? If this would protect Clarke, Alex didn’t really care what happened to her. She just knew that she had to protect the younger girl.   
  
Michael just looked at Alex with an innocent and small smile, when he heard what she said, but it did only confirm his suspicion more, but also gained her some points with him if he was open and honest about it, since it showed that she trusted him. “It is.” he then said, squeezing her shoulder a moment, smiling, then turning around and walking further down the corridor.   
  
Alex smiled back at him, praying that Nikita would be able to prevent all this from happening in time and that she would be careful in doing so. She had warned her mentor that Roan would be there. “I can help you get your mind off things and we can spar a little together? I know we could both use the practice.” She suggested to Michael.   
  
Michael stopped in his tracks shortly, thinking about Alex her suggestion, before he smiled slightly and looked at her with a nod. “Yeah, that would actually be nice.” He said, gesturing toward the training room and going that way, since it would be pretty quiet there now, at least more than other times of the day.   
  
Alex nodded and walked over to the training room, where she pulled her hair back in a ponytail and looked at him, with a smile on her face and a challenging look in her eyes. “Then come and get it.” She couldn’t help but say, preparing herself for his inevitable attack, as she realized she was actually going to enjoy this.   
  
Michael tried not to let his eyes roam over Alex her features, her body, and how her neck even looked... Really sexy, when she had pulled her hair back in a ponytail, before she looked at him with that smile and that so tempting challenging look in her eyes which made him smile genuinely. “Oh no, girls first.” He said challengingly, putting a threatening step forward, but faking her out with a fake strike at her.   
  
Alex grinned and looked at him when she heard what he said, before taking a step back when he faked a first strike. “That’s mean!” She teased him, before she attempted to hit him. She then took a step back and smiled at him, realizing it was just hot to do this with him.   
  
Michael rolled his eyes, winking at her with a teasing and challenging look, before he intercepted how she attempted to hit him and had briefly held onto her arm, while looking in her eyes, feeling how his body and mind both started to realize how hot this also was with her. “I'm sure you can do better than that, but I can always bring out the trick of one hand behind my back?” He challenged her, before he kicked her leg and tried to push her to the ground once already.   
  
Alex smiled when he intercepted her arm and held onto it for a moment. When he suggested the trick he could use, she raised an eyebrow, impressed. “You could do that?” She asked, before very briefly an image of Nikita flashed in her head. He had probably done just that with her, though she was still impressed. When he kicked her leg, it didn’t take long before her back slammed hard onto the mat. “Ow!”   
  
As soon as Alex landed on the ground as a result of the kick to her leg, he was sure that her mind had been somewhere else too, which made Michael raise an eyebrow, before leaning forward, almost onto her and looking in her eyes teasingly and questioningly. “I'd like to think that even I don't have to teach you of all people to not wander off with your thoughts?”   
  
“No, you don’t have to tell me that.” Alex replied, as she looked at him and tried pushing him off her, as she tried not to react to him being on top of her, even though her body probably said otherwise. She smiled at him and then straddled him, before turning them around and her sitting on top of her. “And I’m not the only one that has my memories elsewhere.”   
  
"It looks otherwise from up here." Michael said, as he smirked at her and winked, as he slightly resisted only to her pushing him off her, also because his body maybe reacted a little too happy about being so close to hers. His body reacted even more when she straddled him and was on top of him soon after, instinctively having put his hands on her legs. "Maybe I want to make new memories, even if they can be distracting..." Slipped from him before he had even realized he did, as he looked her right in her eyes.   
  
Alex smiled when she heard what he said and looked down on him with a challenging twinkle in her eyes. “Your body seems to like mine a lot.” She said, as she winked and pulled a strand of hair out of her face. She grinned when he put his hands on her legs and raised an eyebrow. “Maybe I would like that too.” She said, as she looked him back in his eyes.   
  
Michael bit the inside of his cheek, as his heartbeat was pretty fast at the moment, especially when Alex noted with the challenging look that she looked down at him with that his body seemed to like hers a lot. "I already noted the same, the opposite way around." He shot back at her, with a wink, before his eyes closely followed for a few seconds how she pulled a strand of hair out of her face. He slowly and instinctively moved his hands a little on her legs when he heard what she said, before he slowly rose up a bit, so his lips were soon very close to hers, looking at them for a second and feeling his heart beat in his throat almost.   
  
“Michael…” Alex said softly, as he rose a little so that his lips were close to hers, right as he moved his hands further up her legs. “…Are you sure we’re not being watched? I mean, is there a camera in there?” She asked him softly, thinking how she didn’t want Percy and/or Amanda use this… whatever it was between them against them.   
  
Michael's heart only started to beat faster and he felt his body react even more to the way Alex's voice sounded when she said his name so softly. When he heard what he asked, he thought about it for a second, before he smiled and shook his head. "No camera now, no one's watching." He almost whispered, before he leant a little closer, brushing his lips against hers, not being able to help it.   
  
Alex smiled when he told her there wasn’t a camera now and looked at him, letting her eyes wander down to his lips. When he leant closer and brushed his lips against hers, she felt her heart basically beat out of her chest before she kissed him back on his lips and closing her eyes for a moment, enjoying the kiss.   
  
Michael wasn't really sure if it was healthy, how fast his heart was beating when he saw Alex's eyes wander down to his lips. When she kissed him back on his lips, he leant even closer, closing his own eyes and deepening the kiss, which even felt so much better than he already figured it would. He caressed her leg with one hand, while the other slowly went along her stomach for a moment.   
  
Alex deepened the kiss all too willingly and stroked through his hair, as she kept her eyes closed. She felt him stroke her leg and smiled, before a shiver went through her when he went along her stomach with his hand. “So hot…” She whispered against his lips.   
  
Michael couldn't stop the soft moan that soon escaped his lips when Alex all so willingly deepened the kiss with him, as he also felt the shiver run through her as he went along her stomach with one hand and the other along her leg. He softly chuckled challengingly when he heard what she whispered against his lips. "I don't want to make you feel like I'm using you, or something..." He said eventually, stopping the kiss and slowly opening his eyes and looking at her again.   
  
“I know you better than that,” Alex said, as she looked at him, then smiled and straddled him a little bit more. “And even if you were, then we’d be using each other.” She added with a wink, before she kissed him in his neck and then softly sucked in his neck as well.   
  
Michael smiled instantly when he heard what Alex said, since it did mean quite a bit, and he wanted her to know it. When he heard what she added, he chuckled softly, before he closed his eyes and let a moan escape from his lips when she straddled him some more and kissed his neck, before sucking this neck as well. "Alex... That feels so good." He said softly, as his hands moved up more along her side and stomach, moving his hips a little to her as well.


	6. It's Okay To Cry Sometimes

When they got to the destination, there wasn’t much to the human side of Roan left and he had gone back to his stoic, emotionless self and realized this might just be his way to deal. Haley wasn’t sure, she was just really happy to know that he still didn’t know who she was and that he was leaving her alone for the most part.   
  
“What the hell?” She asked when he pulled her to the side and out of sight. She then saw her. Nikita. Great. What was she doing here? Then a thought occurred to her, did her father send her? Did he send her to stop her from killing someone? She glanced at Roan.   
  
Roan threw a quick glance back at Haley, with his eyes narrowed and his index finger at his mouth, showing her that she should be quiet, even if it was something so soft and surprised as her reaction to him pulling her out of sight. The sudden appearance of Nikita wasn't totally unexpected, but also not something that had been highly expected. But it did complicate things.   
  
Their mission was obvious though, and he was to make sure that Clarke completed her mission. "You stick to me, you're gonna have to do this quick." He told her with a stern tone in his voice, before he pulled her along in the other direction, for the alternative route, and hoping to get her to finish the mission before Nikita could really intervene.   
  
Haley frowned, as she looked at him and then back at Nikita, giving a small, surprised sound. “What are you doing?” She asked him, before allowing him to pull her into the other direction, thinking quickly to how she could get Nikita’s attention. She didn’t want to kill anyone, but she couldn’t break form either. She had to pretend to be a loyal Division agent, even though she really wasn’t.   
  
She followed him inside, after a quick glance in Nikita’s direction. “It doesn’t seem like she saw us.” She told him, which she was slightly happy about. Killing this guy would prove that she was loyal, even if she wasn’t and it would get Percy off her back, as bad as it sounded to put her own life above this guy’s life.   
  
"Hm." Roan only made the slightly agreeing sound when they were inside and Clarke said it didn't seem like she had seen them. He went in front of her more into the house, until he stopped her behind a corner. A second later, a guard passed by unknowingly, which Roan quickly grabbed around his neck, which was snapped after a slight struggle a few seconds later.   
  
"Here, make it clean and quick, either the heart or the head. If you can make it look like rage that would be even better.' He instructed her as he handed her the guard's firearm and looked at her sternly, hinting at how it would look more believable if she shot the guy multiple times inside the room at the end of the hallway.   
  
Haley pulled on her gloves and took the gun, before she looked at Roan. Then in the hallway, feeling her throat was dry like sandpaper and then just sighed heavily, before she walked inside and shot the guy three times in the chest, so as it didn’t look entirely like an execution. She then walked outside again and gave Roan the gun, feeling her hands shake and knowing her face was pale.   
  
When Roan had the gun, she took a few steps away and blinked rapidly. “We should go, we don’t want Nikita to come here, I don’t want a confrontation like that right now.” She said, her voice sounding slightly distant.   
  
When she came walking outside, Roan looked at her, but he didn't say a word, looking past her into the room, and nodding a little in approval. "Good." He said simply, while shortly putting a hand somewhat on her shoulder.   
  
He nodded but looked thoughtfully about leaving. "Yes, we should, Nikita will be busy enough saving the girls living in the basement downstairs anyway." He said simply and matter-of-factly, before he slightly pushed her in front of him to lead on to the extraction.   
  
Haley felt sick for his little nod of approval of how she had killed the guy and when he put a hand on her shoulder, she shrugged it off and walked away. She killed a man, she did what he wanted from her, he shouldn’t expect her to like it. Whatever it was in the elevator, it probably was just a temporary thing.   
  
“I’m not even going to ask.” She said about Nikita being busy, as she frowned and rubbed her arm a little. She allowed him to push her ahead to the extraction and sighed, realizing she couldn’t wait to see her father again.   
  
Roan sighed inwards, something she probably didn't really notice as she had shrugged off his hand on her shoulder. It was not like he expected her to like it, or enjoy it. It was a job, and a successful one at that. Maybe she had expected too much from him after what happened in the elevator, he didn't know, but he wondered.   
  
"Hm, you're not? Now that you get an opening, you don't? I thought it would be reassuring for you to know that the guy was keeping girls in his basement for his weekends." Roan told her, as he had a cold stare in his eyes, since he wanted to make clear to her who she had just rid the world of. "We're gonna have to wait to call in the extraction, with Nikita showing up. We'll have to stay down there between the trees until it's clear."   
  
“I don’t understand how you can say that without feeling anything.” Haley said, as she looked at him, then looked away and crossed her arms over her chest. She then looked in the direction of the building again and sighed, until she made up her mind and ran towards the trees. There was nothing she could do now anyway that wouldn’t put any suspicion on her.   
  
"Then what do you expect me? Be in shock, or cry?" Roan asked her, boldly and harshly, as he narrowed his eyes and looked at her. He looked back for a moment, then followed her to the trees, where he eventually stopped her where he thought was a good spot, with his hand on her arm. "Do you believe that it's going to help you, or make you a better person if you do this job, all caring and emotional? It's going to get you killed. Or worse."   
  
“I was wrong when I thought you had a human being in there somewhere. I suppose your nickname of Terminator fits you even better than I thought.” Haley spat at him, as she balled her hands to fists. “And I know for a fact it’s certainly not gonna help me being as heartless are you are.” She said, as she took a few steps away from him. She still felt sick.   
  
"Perhaps it is, but at least I can get content, unlike you, who doesn't get satisfied whatever she gets." Roan spat back, while he gave her a dark look and shook his head for a moment. "Just try it." He then said warningly, as he had seen her balling her hands to fists. "Heartless? And not human? You say you've had such hardships, but you clearly haven't learned a thing from it!" Roan said, as he closed the distance she made with them and looked at her.   
  
"Killing, and perhaps love, which leads to more killing than almost anything else, are practically the only things which really define us from being animals. Even they have their morals when it comes to killing their own. I have just accepted reality for what it is, that the world needs people like me, and also like you. The only difference is that you haven't seem to decide yet if you want to stay a little scared victim that already legally died once, or that you're gonna take control." He said, having held her arm tightly, but then slowly letting go.   
  
“I’m not going to hit you, I’m not stupid.” Haley said, as she looked at him. “I did have hardships, but that doesn’t make me want to shut everything off.” She said, as she looked away when she heard what he said. “I’m not a victim.” She said, before looking back at him when he said ‘legally died once’, because technically she died twice. “But I’m also not a killer.”   
  
"Why not? Because you think that I would just kill you for it?" Roan asked her, as he looked at her sarcastically. "Oh yes, as there is so much out there for a man like myself." He told her, rolling his eyes shortly, then shaking his head when she said she wasn't a victim. "Are you really sure about that? So if you could prevent thousands of innocent people from dying, by killing one person, you wouldn't? Or if you could have saved one, or both, of your parents by killing someone, you wouldn't and watch them die?"   
  
“No, because you won’t feel it, you’re much stronger than I am.” Haley said skeptically, as she looked at him. “You’re only getting back what you give the world, you know.” She said, as she rolled her own eyes. When she heard what he said, she didn’t care anymore about what he said and lashed out at him, hitting his chest. “Shut up!”   
  
"Physically definitely, mentally? That's totally dependable on which perspective you look at it, doesn't it?" Roan asked her, looking at her drily but questioningly. "You don't believe that, or you wouldn't be wanting to do the right thing. You wouldn't have a problem with killing." Roan said, as he looked at her, annoyed when she rolled her own eyes. When she hit his chest and lashed out at him, he laughed, mockingly and spread his arms. "Is that really the best you can do? If you're gonna let it out, let it out."   
  
Haley narrowed her eyes when she heard what he said, before she rolled her eyes. “I suppose it is.” She replied sarcastically. “Of course I have a problem with killing, you’re taking someone’s life!” She spat at him angrily and defensively for her actions. When he laughed mockingly and spread his arms, she hit him hard, wanting to hurt him, wishing she could somehow hurt him.   
  
Roan's eyes lit up, a bit more angrily now with what Clarke replied so sarcastically. "If you refuse to admit it, to me, that is fine, but do not keep lying to yourself." He said simply, but with a sharp voice. "This is not about killing in general, this is about you having killed someone. A man that I already told you likes to use girls as his toys, and he then disposes off, while selling weapons to the wrong people, but also the "better" girls. Though they would have been on their own to survive from here, I suppose they will have Nikita to help them now. But yes, you're gonna have to figure out a way to deal with having taken a life, just stop being naive like it was some innocent person, or that it was for nothing. Do not fault me for giving you a sign of approval for a successful job of following my orders, or then give me a death stare because I'm telling you that you have to deal with it somehow." He told her, his voice and look getting more angry for a moment, before he looked away. "Perhaps we both thought the wrong thing and too much of the other." He told her, before he looked back when he felt how she hit him again. "For someone that feels my nickname is so appropriate, it still does not seem or feel like you're really trying." He challengingly mocked her, as he looked her right in the eyes. "Come on!"   
  
Haley felt a sharp pang run through her, as she looked at him, when she heard what he said to her. “They still have to figure their lives out! It’s seriously not like because they have Nikita everything will be fine all of a sudden.” She snapped, before looking away. “I’m not naïve. The fact that you’re not figuring out what my point in all of this is proves to me that you’re naïve.” She countered, before she hit him harder, realizing it felt good to hit him… To hit anything for that matter.   
  
Roan frowned again, this time in a way that was in disbelief because of how she said that like it was such a huge thing. "So what!? I'm not sorry for pointing this out for you, but there's people in the world that are even worse off than them, we can't figure out every little detail for them! You should know that, also how there's a value in taking care of yourself." He said, stepping towards her again until he looked her close in the eyes. He rolled his eyes and shrugged with her counter to him. "And I'm trying to help you!" He then almost shouted at her, as he gave her a slightly furious look, before that look turned more neutral again and he looked away. "But you are making it rather clear that you will only care for anything I say or do, if it's on your terms. I expected better."   
  
Haley laughed sarcastically. Really, this guy should know what her real name was, who she really was and how she really got her scars. He wouldn’t be looking at her the same way if he did. “Don’t worry, I know how to take care of myself. Really, you have no idea.” She said, as she looked at him. “Help me how?!” She asked him, sounding frustrated, before looking at the sky. “Apparently talking to you will not do either of us any good. And look, our transportation’s here.”   
  
\---   
  
When they came back to Division, Haley made a beeline for the training room where she found her father and stopped walking for a moment, before walking over to him. “I guess the test you guys put me through worked, I mean, you’re one of the big guys if you can kill, that’s it, right?” She asked on purpose, as she looked at him, telling him how truly bad she felt about this.   
  
When Haley had come to him and Michael heard what she said to him, hinted at and the look in her eyes, he slowly looked past her for a second. Why hadn't Nikita succeeded? He knew that if she set her mind to something hard enough, she could have stopped it, even with Roan there, except if she didn't want to expose her secret weapon inside Division as stop this...   
  
He cursed softly in himself for a second, before he looked back at Haley, with a neutral expression as good as possible when he saw Roan look their way. "It means you will be a good agent, and the eyes will be off your back, at least not continuous anymore." He told her, before he nodded with a lot of difficulty like she was dismissed. He had to go talk to Alex about this, he couldn't really blame her, but he still had to, Nikita had to know he didn't just accept this.   
  
Haley gave him a look what was going on, before she sighed and walked further, before she went up the steps to her room. She needed some rest and some alone time and hopefully, her father would explain what was going on soon.   
  
\---   
  
Alex was talking to Thom when she saw Michael walk closer to them. When she saw his look, she frowned and looked at Thom. “That doesn’t look good, talk to you later, okay?” She asked him, to which he nodded, before she walked over to Michael. “What’s wrong?”   
  
When Michael found Alex, he waited until Thom was gone and then were somewhere more secluded, while he looked at Alex. "You should really start thinking about yourself Alex, if you don't want her to make a decision that counts her objective as more important than you." Michael couldn't help but say as he looked her in her eyes. "I know she will tell herself she did what she could, but I know that she didn't, and because of that..." He looked away and swallowed against the lump in his throat. He then looked back at her, giving her a look that she couldn't tell anyone this, and also not Nikita if she wanted him to finish that sentence.   
  
“What are you talking about?” Alex asked him, with a frown, as she looked around, realizing that her trying to help him might just bite her in the ass because it obviously didn’t go as he had wanted things to go. “You know Nikita would do anything to stop it and the fact that she clearly hasn’t, means that something happens. Don’t assume, Michael. Really, I thought you were better than that.” She said, suddenly feeling angry. “Besides, why is she so freaking important to you anyway?”   
  
Michael shook his head as he looked at Alex. "Do you really believe so completely in her? That she wouldn't make a sacrificial move, to keep her end goals closer?" he asked her, as he frowned with how she said that she had thought he was better than this. "Some things change that, and I know how she makes those choices. I heard she was there, I could see it in Roan's eyes, if she was there, she could have moved fast enough, you should believe in that just as much as I did, so why didn't she?" He asked her purposely, raising his eyebrows. "Because she's my daughter!' He almost hissed at her, because he couldn't keep it in, from her, anymore. He needed her to understand.   
  
“Yes!” Alex said, almost hissing it at him, as she looked at him. “Like I said, Nikita was probably caught up in something else. My guess is that Percy and Roan were expecting her to be there and laid out a trap. I’m sorry, but she basically risked her ass because you asked, so if things don’t go the way you had planned don’t start complaining to me!” She said defensively. When he said that she was his daughter, she took a step closer to him, looking surprised, confused. “Then I take it Clarke’s not her real name?”   
  
"She was there Alex! She wasn't busy, she was THERE! She let them be there before her!" Michael snapped as he frowned, also because it somehow hurt to see that she believed Nikita so much more blindly over anything he told her. He wasn't trying to blame her, he was just trying to get through to her, because it could also be dangerous for her. When she stepped closer to him, looking surprised and confused, he sighed and slowly nodded. "It's Haley..." He told her softly, his hands shaking a little because of how much it actually took to let that slip, with all the effort to keep her hidden, safe.   
  
“You don’t know if she wasn’t busy, Michael! That she was there doesn’t mean that she wasn’t busy with something!” Alex said, as she looked at him. “Maybe she was busy saving someone else that she couldn’t get to her in time, you don’t know what happened.” But, she was definitely going to ask her, that’s for sure.   
  
Alex grabbed Michael’s hands when she heard what he told her. “I won’t tell anyone.” [i]Not even Nikita.[/i] “I promise, Michael, I won’t tell anyone, I’ll help keep her safe.”   
  
"Alex, listen to me... You might think I'm being irrational here, but please, don't forget that there's still sides of her, that I probably know better than you do. I know when something held her back... I taught her that..." He said, a sigh escaping from his lips. He slightly shook his head, maybe she did have a point, but he still knew there was something off, there hadn't even been a direct confrontation at all.   
  
Michael felt his heartbeat increase considerably for a moment when he felt how Alex grabbed his hands, which he looked at and then back in her eyes. He nodded with a small smile, since he did believe her and wanted to show her that, and how much it meant. "If it's not too late already..." He then couldn't help but mumble as he thought about what they had made Haley do.   
  
“And there are things about Nikita that you don’t know and I do.” Alex said, as she looked at him. “She saved my life, Michael, why do you think I’m so loyal to her?” She asked, as she looked at him. “Michael, it was a test, to check her loyalty, I’m not sure what happened, but the fact that she did kill that man, proves to them that she’s at least loyal enough to follow orders like that. She’s safe, for now.”   
  
Michael looked down for a moment when Alex told him how Nikita had saved her life and why she was so loyal to her, which he nodded understandingly to. "Do you really think that I care right now if they're happy about it? You should know how much of a big deal it is, and the huge difference between not killing someone, and actually doing so. Don't downplay it as if it's less for her after everything she's already been through." Michael slightly snapped at her, before biting his lip and quickly looking in an apologizing way.   
  
"I am not downplaying anything, killing someone... You'll carry that with you for the rest of your life and the first kill is always the hardest." Alex said, as she looked at him. "Look, I'll ask her what happened, if you promise me this... Me and Nikita will stay between us just as much as you and Haley."   
  
"So does being in a car with a bomb, being pushed out by your mother and then seeing that car blow up with her inside." Michael said, as he sighed deeply and closed his eyes for a moment. "And now with having this there added onto it, I... I just don't know." Michael said, as he slowly looked up at Alex again. He narrowed his eyes as he heard what she wanted him to promise her. "You're gonna make me promise this now? After having your back already and... What happened?" He asked her, as it did kind of hurt that she had to make him promise that.   
  
“So does watching your father die in front of your eyes, Michael.” Alex said, as she looked away. “You carry that with you too, along with everything else that happened to me and I’m still here. I’m sure she will too, she’s a fighter, a survivor, hell, she changed her name.” She squeezed his hand. “And she has you.” She added, before she sighed and looked away. “I’m just paranoid, Division took everything away from me and I’m sure they’re behind what happened to Haley too, too much has happened… I know you have my back, I just… I guess I just needed you to say it out loud.”   
  
Michael had opened his mouth to say something, but then closed it and sighed, not really sure about what to say to that, since it was right, but it didn't really make it any easier all the same. "It's still not right." He then said, as he looked at Alex and bit his lip. He nodded in an understanding way for what she explained, but still looked away after. "I just kinda hoped that I didn't, you did say after all you knew me better than that..."   
  
“No, it’s not, she shouldn’t have to go through all this.” Alex said, as she looked at him. She then kissed him on his lips and looked at him. “Go talk to her, she’s going to need you.” She said softly, as she looked at him.   
  
Michael nodded, since it was exactly what he meant and it was good to hear her say it somehow. He kissed her back on her lips, closing his eyes for a few seconds and stroking her side with his hand. "I also need you." He said softly, biting his lip for a moment admitting that. He squeezed her arm slightly, before he turned around and walked towards Haley's room.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first story, please, be kind.
> 
> Also, please check out this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T87qYfI7Ixw


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